My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
