ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize