i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
he quoted the bible to break up with me
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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