So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
