xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
