i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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