You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
