Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
