you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
