just come out here and I will go home with you...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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