Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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