I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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