I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
