in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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