mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize