I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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