if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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