If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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