New low: just hacked my moms facebook
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
