You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
