A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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