Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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