and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
we're making bets on your personal life
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
