I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
