Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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