Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
