just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize