you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
