I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
