By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
