I met the friendliest cop last night
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
