ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
