were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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