the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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