chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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