yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
