Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
