we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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