Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
