I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize