last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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