How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
