i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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