my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
