It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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