She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
