Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
