so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize