unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
