I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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