when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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