It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
