i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He felt like a one man threesome
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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