I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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