Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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