between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
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