I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
